Well, this will be my last blog for quite awhile, quite honestly, perhaps permanently. I have recently realized how not private this blog is and it makes me uneasy about posting anything at all so I think this is what I need to do.
I wish you all the best, thanks for all of the support you have provided for me over the past year. <3
I said some things to a friend of mine yesterday about someone that I am really regretting today. I went into ED mode and it’s like when my head goes to that place, I don’t care what I am saying about a person I just say it and don’t think until after I come out of that place. Mostly I say things out of jealous that they can eat normally without guilt and I can’t. I feel so awful for saying what I did that I want to cry. I really am a HORRIBLE person when those thoughts come into my head. I hope that by going away I will not have those mean thoughts anymore. I don’t want to think those thoughts anymore. I wish I could control my thoughts, I should have never, ever said what I said to her but I did. At least only she knows how horrible I am. I’m just really afraid I’m going to come out of treatment and not care about how I look and end up a big fatter blimp again. I don’t want to do that.
I’m so jealous of the people who can eat and eat and eat and never gain a pound. It makes me so angry and that’s when I start to say the awful, awful things.
I’m going back to bed and turning on a movie. I am going to try to just sleep all day despite nightmares (last night I only woke up twice and it was on my own, that’s like a record). I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I seriously just feel like I’m on the edge of insanity right now. Last night I went to bed feeling better, this morning I woke up feeling like a mess. This has nothing to do with going away even, it’s just like my emotions got all jumbled somewhere and I have no idea why. Seriously, I’m glad someone is home with me today because I’m not sure how okay I’d be without them.
Staying in my room, in the dark, at least until this headache goes away. I am hungry…I think. Either I am hungry or I want to taste food, I have no idea which one. Oh well, maybe later.
See, don’t I sound insane?
I have a horrible headache and I feel like crying. This is going to be a horribly long day. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin.
And it drives me insane when I feel like this.
This is when the urge to cut becomes so strong.
so since I have been so apprehensive about going to VOH I have changed my mind. I’m going to Mercy, it just seems the better fit. I’ll get my move in date soon.
Also, until I leave I am going to be staying with my friend Andrea, TLILW (or used to live with) wasn’t very fond of my decision. She gave me the opportunity to stay until I left but I felt like it was better for me to go ahead and leave.
I wanted to purge so badly tonight, like really, really badly but I didn’t. Went into the bathroom, put my hair in a ponytail, sat on the floor and stared like I do when I want it so bad but just can’t do it. I washed my hands and left the bathroom without purging. See, if I truly needed treatment I wouldn’t have been able to overcome that on my own, I would have just purged and not told anyone, pretended like it didn’t happen.
miabattlenomore asked: So! I was thinking today and I was just going over past conversations with people and whatnot and I thought about you need a bathing suit, and if I remember correctly we were talking about legs and what not and I was thinking, if you don't want your legs to show, could you get swimming trunks? That's what I used over the summer with my bathing suit so no one would see my legs. Sorry, completely random, but I wanted to tell you before I forgot. Have a wonderful day!!!!
That would be awesome if I could but they said it has to be a one piece :(. I’m sure they want us to learn to appreciate our body and wouldn’t be okay with us hiding it. I wish though, that would make it sooo much easier! Thanks for the advice.
I’ve mentioned it to two or three people but I have to admit, I’m much more worried than I am letting on.
Have you ever just known something is wrong with your body? Just known for no reason what so ever? Well, the other day when I was at the hospital I told the doctor that something just didn’t feel right, that I knew something just wasn’t right. My POTS acted up that day and it makes it a little more difficult for me to do normal things. For example, when I went to get out of bed this morning I sat up and tried to walk too quickly and I nearly passed out, it took me a good 5 minutes before I was able to really get out of bed and get moving. Anyways, that’s all just taken care of, the thing is, I can’t see at nighttime out of my left eye, not at all. Like when normal people can see in the natural dark, I can’t see anything out of that eye. My left leg has been going numb on occasion since I got out of the hospital in November and I have been getting a ton of headaches. Like I have a headache every single day (though medication does take care of it). I’m probably overreacting but I’m afraid things are going to get worse and I am going to be at VOH and no one is going to listen to me when I tell them something isn’t right. I asked TLILW to promise me that if I ever call her and tell her something isn’t right that she will come and get me, not that I am going to be leaving for good but if I call and say that then something is getting worse. I’d never say something like that unless it was true, not even if I hated it there, I’d be too terrified that it would jinx me.
Honestly, I know something is wrong with my body right now but I have too many other things that I am stressing about that I really don’t have the time to deal with it.
I am going to VOH. Part of me has kept thinking if I expressed how much I didn’t want to go that someone would say, “if you don’t want to go, you shouldn’t” but not ONE person has said that, everyone has said, “I think this is what you need.” There was a point in time when I wanted so badly for someone to realize the seriousness of my eating disorder and everything else in my life and no one did. Now that everyone does, it sucks.
I think I really am loved, I can’t express how much that makes this process a little more bearable. I have certainly been the queen of whininess this past week because I am just scared but anyone who is willing to sit and talk with me through all of that and never get frustrated…well that person has to really care. I can’t say that I 100% want to go but I’m not sure anyone would, one thing I do know is that I do 100% want to get better and if this place will get me better and I can come back to people who love me, then I want to do it. Not only will coming back to people who love me make me feel worthy of such a thing, it will be another step closer to trusting people, trusting that not everyone is going to leave.
All of that being said, I’m done with all of the negative talk about it. Not looking at the goods I want from it is only going to make it that much harder to leave. I have to move one step closer to trusting people and trusting God. I have to trust that someone cares about me enough to know better than me. I have to trust that God loves me enough to not open up this door if it isn’t something I really, truly need. I just have to trust and that’s not an easy thing for me but I am going to try.
